A Xmas story...

[Bob259]

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
'What the hell is that?' she asked.

My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'

'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up t o me and said, ' Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

I can't wait until next Christmas.

[#57]

Finaly, someone with a family like mine! one year my wife got all the boys "condom cannons"[ think sling shots "]. her mother in her 80s at that time couldnt imagine touching such a thing let alone letting your kids play with them! Merry Christmas! #57

[unkmike7]

Those are both good Xmas stories but here's mine:

My wife has been on my case to get the Christmas lights up for a couple of weeks. They are up now and for some reason she will not talk to me...

Go figure....

[Jim Beckley]

unkmike7, You da man!

[dwl]

My God, unmike7, that made me laugh so hard I'm cryin. And you even thought to take a picture so we could all enjoy it. No I know what I'm doin this afternoon.

With awe,

dwl

[Innocent]

Unmike7,
I notice you even plugged the lights in, what is the problem? Less time on the ladder (potentially saving thousands in medical bills), less nails/hangers used (metal conservation), more compact making less problems finding shorts or burned out bulbs in the string. All around a fine way to hang the lights, if your wife has a problem then let her do the job.

Innocent

[Innocent]

Bob,
Duct tape make work temporarily, but a good tire patch kit will do the trick too, just be careful and don;t use superglue, could cause a larger meltdown.

#57, Ivory Liquid in condoms hung from your neices rear view mirror in her brand new Pontiac Firebird does wonders to disturbing swains that tend to hang around. What else are family for? What really bugged her was that I pulled it off with her new alarm system activated and she had possesion of the the keys.


Innocent

[Jim Beckley]

unkmike7, If you hung the lights like that and then went to the range for a match or even practice, then you really are da man!

[Jason]

That's quite the snowy background... for Arkansas.

[Gator]

My wife has been on my case to get the Christmas lights up for a couple of weeks. They are up now and for some reason she will not talk to me...

UnkMike

I don